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Daily AWE and AHHHHH

A few years ago, I was fortunate to hear a talk by a Jesuit priest on the need for daily fascination breaks.  He says it is to help us in our lives to take a moment, 5 minutes and just find something to be amazed by.

I have been so busy these past weeks, this fascination time has been lacking.  I also had not registered this until the other day.

I was coming back from Empire/Gerlach after a LONG morning and afternoon of interviews for the CFO position in the diocese.  

I was physically tired and spiritually drained.  I looked out into the desert around Winnemucca Lake (google it) and was just amazed at how GREEN the desert was.  AHHHHHH!  Made me smile.

So got me thinking of what has amazed me of late, but has not overtly registered in my mind and heart…

the purple flowers on my chives…

pelicans flying around the Mason Valley Marshes (in a desert mind you)…

that a former parishioner who moved away finally called me “bob” and shared some wonderful news…

that people are sad that I am leaving St. Rob’s…

that I am sad that I am leaving St. Rob’s…

and more…

We priests can get very focussed in on our ministry and all the stuff, or at least I can.  I can too easily forget the forest for the trees.  I don’t think Jesus had this issue, and if he did, the evangelists left it out of the gospels.

This coming week is retreat, a time to stop, rest, let my guard done, BE with fellow priests and friends, and be ministered to by our guide.

I wish to be AWED and AHH’ed by life, by this retreat, and by the people around me.  

This 5th Sunday of Easter we are given the “new” commandment in the Gospel: Love one another.

One of the best ways to love others is to be truly present to them. As a person and priest, this has been and continues to be one of the most difficult acts of love to do.

People approach me all the time, and want my attention: they want to share their pains, their sorrows and their joys. I think that as a priest, one of the best gifts I can give is to be there to listen and hear; to accept what they have to say.

Yet, I do fail.

It can be hard to be in a moment, when there is so much out there to distract. I am a human.

This past week, I was at a National Conference of Priests, and one of our realities is that we are very busy persons. We have a lot to “Do.” We serve multiple parishes, work in multiple positions, and serve a diverse catholic population. Then most of us are still expected to pray every day, write good homilies and take care of ourselves. It can be difficult to BE in moment when someone needs us to hear.

So sometimes, I do not love in the way I want.

I suspect though, this is not simply a “priest” thing, but a reality of life.

I go back to Psalm 95, which begins our daily liturgy of the hours: God is God and is in control. I am not. Yes, I have many responsibilities and tasks to accomplish in the coming weeks; but I need and want to remember that the task at hand is the most important. The task always at hand is to love others.

The sacrifice I wish to make is for a moment, to die to the future, so as to live in the present. I wish to die to my needs but for 5 minutes to hear the person in front of me.

I wish to love.

Why Change?

Jesus came to save the world (Jn 3:16) and preached the Immanence of the Kingdom of God. This Kingdom was something real and concrete; it was the community reformed around the Love of God.

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He believed in the Kingdom and lived, died and rose from the dead for this Kingdom.

When it comes down to it, the Kingdom is about our connections. The connection with have with God and the connection with have with people.

Jesus called us to change our ways which impede those connections. He called us to serve, to forgive, to be compassionate, to LOVE so that we can be connected with God and one another.

When God called me to change, it was to improve the relationships I had with my friends and family, and the people that I served. Christ does not change me simply to change me. I am being changed for my own well-being, but also more importantly for the well-being of others. I know this is not purely about me, nor can it ever; It is about my connection with others.

And that is how I must approach and evaluate changes in my life.

Some are obvious for me, to not let fear dominate. Love conquers fear.

Other changes I have to assess with the help of Tradition, Scripture and the people that I have grown to trust. Changes like moving parishes; use of social media; how to balance my schedule. Because if the change serves only my ego…then it is not God based. It will not make me more connected to others.

If it is a choice in which I give of myself, then that is a Christ like choice, and is of God.

In the end, that will ultimately be our salvation…when we are always making Christ-like choices.

It will be when you, me and all make choices that benefit everyone, and not just myself.

As sometime it happens…I deliver the homily, go on with mass, then inspiration hits and I think “Why didn’t I say that during the homily?!?!??!?”

Happened on Saturday…Gave a homily on how Christ calls us to change. Made it to the offertory and placed the bread and wine on the altar…and then bammm….bread and wine changed into the body and blood of Christ…we are to be changed into the body and blood of Christ.

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My reception, our reception of communion is the acknowledgement that I and we want to be changed, and I and all of us need to be changed. IT is an encounter with the Risen Lord, who says, “Feed My Sheep, Tend My Sheep…Love ME and be free!”

Imagine that as we approach to receive…this is Christ on the seashore, not with anger, accusations, but with Love; desiring that we, you and I, let go of all that old stuff that has not served us and the world.

And there is much more to be changed within me so that I may serve, tend and feed the flock of Jesus. I need to change and be more and more humble…that old ego bothers me a lot.

I need to change and trust more in God’s way, and not try to control everything.

I want to change and feel more peace.

Sunday’s Gospel—Peter and the dudes fishing.  I love it!  Many around the parish know that I fish, specifically fly fishing.  However it is not an occupation, rather it is a diversion, a hobby, a form of relaxation. Sierra Exif JPEG

Peter and the dudes were NOT relaxing, they were working.  They were back to their old routines, and once again Jesus had to break them from their routines so that they could experience the fullness of the Kingdom of God.

It is difficult to break our patterns, our habits, our routines.  I know.  My routines et al offered the security that I so wanted in my life.  I followed specific patterns that could be easily predicted.

Of course, the security that it offered was all superficial.  It all came collapsing down.

God offered to me a new way of living; a new pattern of life.  And I resisted it.

Change is scary, and to live differently, with different levels of friendships, different view of life, different view of self was and still is intimidating.   I didn’t want to leave what I knew behind, because, although I knew it was not a good life, the unknown was too much.

I have experienced Jesus on the seashore calling out to me and calling me to live differently…through those friends, through the parishioners, through wisdom figures in my life.  Gradually, the desire for a better life started to out-weigh the fears.  Gradually the desire to experience life and to have life got me past the apprehensions.  Gradually the LOVE won out.

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 Jesus awaits disciples on shoreline Kristin Serafini

I still wrestle with changes, and I always will.  That is the nature of the journey. Now however, through the grace of God, I have a little more control over fear.  I have been given the strength to make changes to my patterns of life, and have found life.

Resurrection, not re-birth

Saturday morning, of the Easter Vigil. We remember Christ in the tomb. I am playing through my mind the homily for tonight, and am thinking of how resurrection means new life, new opportunities.

The new life takes off from the point of the old life. It is not a re-start, or re-boot, or re-birth. It is a continuation but in a completely new direction. It is a change.

To me that is way more powerful than re-birth. There is no way I would want to be “re-born” or “born again.” Uggh, I do not want to have to repeat the past 47+ years again. I want a better future, not a re-hash of the past. No wonder Buddhists crave annihilation…I would not want to be caught up in a cycle of re-birth.

That is the blessing of our Christian/Catholic Faith. It is about resurrection. I do not have to repeat my life…I can live my life fully now.

Sure there are things in my past that I wished had not happened, but I do not want a change to go back and change them. Like Jesus’ wounds, they are now part of my character, of who I am. So I accept them, and move forward in God’s grace towards perfection, towards completion.

The past is the past…it is done; it is to be resolved. Resurrection is to walk into a future that is full of new possibilities and opportunities.

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Last night while we were praying the Stations of the Cross, we came to the last one…Jesus is laid in the tomb.  It struck me that his disciples at that point thought him a failure

14th station

 

…and then he surprised them.

Got me to thinking too, how I have judged others as failures, and given up on them….did I miss out on surprises with them???

I know that I do not suffer fools easily…watch me roll my eyes.

Yet, if I can believe failure is an option for myself, then it has to be for others, otherwise I am even more arrogant than I assume.

 

and in the end, isn’t that God’s love?  We fail, and fail, and fail, and yet God lifts us up again, again and again?

Failure IS an option

I have had some weird, disconcerting images pop into my head these recent weeks.

So, talked them over with my counselor. We figured out that they come from that Fear part of me.

Synopsis, fear has dominated me. I have been scared of people, and more specifically, of scared of not pleasing people. Sound familiar to anyone else?? This has been my personal story for as long as I can remember.

I was praying and meditating on this morning. What have I really been scared about. I went through my litany of activities and responsibilities that I “need” to accomplish in the coming weeks, and it is a LOT!.

But, that is nothing new…what has happened though, is that in all that busy-ness I have not been praying well and reflecting well, and fear got back into control…I have quietly been scared about failing in all of these activities and responsibilities. It is sort of like those military movies where the commander says: “Gentlemen, Failure is NOT an option!” Hence the images that popped up.

Then Christ on the cross and his Resurrection popped into my head. The Cross is a sign of his supposed failure, the Resurrection is the Father’s sign that it was NOT.

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In other words, for me, failure can be an option. I may fail, BUT, it doesn’t mean I am less than human, unworthy of love, etc. I do not want to fail, but if I do, I want to learn from it, and grow. I want to be raised above it.

See, I believe that is God’s voice speaking to me.

The temptor is that fear voice that seeks to demean me; that equates me with failure.

So, thank you Jesus for the cross and resurrection. It will give me the strength to get through these coming weeks.

In the year A readings for the 5th Sunday of Lent is the raising of Lazarus. Jesus at the tomb commands the dead man to come out. And he does, responding to the Word of Christ.

Before Jesus commanded Lazarus, he commanded others to remove the stone that blocked the tomb.

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I have been thinking about “stones” in my life and those I have witnessed. Stones which had kept me from a deeper and livelier faith; a deeper and livelier life.

A rather large stone that had to be rolled away for me was ignorance. I had to relearn a lot about the faith in these recent years. I knew a lot, but it was mostly intellectual; the ignorance was in wisdom and in heart knowledge. I had to have an experience of Faith, of Christ.

It took a Spiritual director, a therapist, lots of prayer and meditation, and a desire to serve my community to role away that stone. I started the long walk from the tomb into the light.

I see this being played out in the ministry given to me by God. I try to roll back stones from others. So I use the pulpit for preaching, the various social media, and personal touch.

Yet, sometimes it is frustrating work. I think people ought to respond quicker… but that is my ego working there and not the Spirit. And I remember it took YEARS to start to change for me.

Long time blogging

I know it has been several weeks since my last post, but with being ill and super busy, blogging has been a lower priority.

I don’t think I have been this busy with this many projects going on at the same time, in a LONG time.
I am not going to whine over them…so relax.

In fact, despite the craziness, I do feel relatively calm. Ok, I do have a few bad moments when I am short with people, BUT when I think back to where I was 5 years ago…this is nothing.

WHY? Well, I do admit the counseling I have received has done wonders. BUT, I believe the most helpful part has been the spirituality. It goes back to PS 95…God is control, I am not.

When I get anxious, fearful, scared about what needs to be done, I stop, breath and remind myself of this again and again and again.

It is freeing, liberating, relaxing. It is Jesus in my life.

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